Conflict is an inevitable part of human interaction, presenting opportunities for growth, understanding, and resolution. Whether it arises in personal relationships, professional settings, or societal dynamics, how we navigate and resolve conflicts can profoundly impact the quality of our relationships and our overall well-being.
In my own journey, I've encountered my fair share of disagreements and verbal clashes, each serving as an opportunity for the importance of emotional regulation and growth. When emotions run high and tensions escalate, it's easy to react impulsively, driven by anger, frustration, or hurt. However, I've learned that taking a step back and assessing my own emotional state (with a healthy dose of self-reflection) is essential in de-escalating conflicts and fostering meaningful dialogue.
Emotional regulation begins with self-awareness, the ability to recognize and understand our own emotions, triggers, and patterns of behavior. By tuning into our inner landscape, we gain insight into the root causes of our reactions and can respond more intentionally and effectively. This self-awareness allows us to pause before reacting impulsively, choosing instead to respond from a place of clarity and empathy.
Moreover, extending compassion towards self and also others is essential in resolving conflicts and building harmonious relationships. Just as we have our own struggles and challenges, so do they. By approaching conflicts with empathy and understanding, we create an environment conducive to open communication and mutual respect. This involves actively listening to the perspectives of others, validating their experiences, and seeking common ground for resolution.
In the midst of conflict, emotional regulation empowers us to maintain our composure and assertiveness while remaining respectful and considerate of others' feelings. It requires us to set aside our egos and prioritize the relationship's well being over the need to be right.
I don't even remember how many times I have asked my clients this transformative and liberating question:
“Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”
This question has helped me personally so many times. It is almost as if you know your own truth, but you give up that resistance and need to share it with others who are telling you otherwise. Being grounded in that truth takes away that need for conflict and invites the decision to be happy instead. Setting the ego aside and prioritizing the relationship may involve practicing active listening, acknowledging the validity of others' viewpoints, and finding collaborative solutions that honor the needs and concerns of all parties involved.
8 Practical Tips to Regulate
Your Emotions in Conflicts
1. Pause and Reflect:
Before responding to a conflict, take a moment to pause. Use this time to breathe deeply and reflect on your emotions. This can prevent impulsive reactions driven by heightened emotions. You can also repeat the last sentence or question the other person said to acknowledge that you are listening and that you heard what was said. Statements like “I hear you say that….” or “What I’m hearing is…”. To prolong the pause, some experts even suggest to take a break. In her article, Amy Gallo recommends recognizing when the conflict is escalating. You may feel your physical body sending you different, uncomfortable alerts.
When you notice that you and most likely your counterpart feel escalation, excuse yourself for either a glass of water, a bathroom break, a cup of coffee, or just getting up and stretching.
For example: Be as neutral as possible and politely say something like, “I’m sorry to interject in but I’d love to get some water before we continue. Would you like a glass or something else as well?”
2. Identify Your Emotions:
Clearly identify what you're feeling. Are you angry, frustrated, or feeling misunderstood? Naming your emotions can help you understand them better and communicate more clearly. I personally try to work through my emotions before having some important talk. My personal approach may be a little different than the traditional way of sharing my emotions with others. The reason for that is that each time I am negatively charged, I know I’m not in my natural state, not showing up as my best version of self. I don’t have the need to bring my emotions into important talks and if I do, I tend to turn them into statements from a place of self-reflection and honesty.
For example: “I feel really angry about what you told me. I’m not trying to put the blame on you, I understand you had your reasons for it. I’m simply letting you know how I felt with the intention to accept you unconditionally. I know if I don’t accept you unconditionally, I cannot accept myself that way. And I would want to be accepted unconditionally, so I have some inner work to do.” Each conflict shows me a mirror of my own kinks that need to be worked on.
3. Use "I" Statements:
When discussing your feelings and thoughts, use "I" statements to express yourself. This reduces the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked and helps keep the discussion focused on your experiences rather than placing blame. If your love language is ‘words of affirmation’ and words are important in your relationship, you’re not hurting anyone with “I” statements. But if your love language is different yet the person in the conflict is all about words of affirmation, hearing “you’re so this, you did that,” can create emotional wounds if they don’t know how to self-regulate effectively.
4. Practice Active Listening:
Make a conscious effort to listen to the other person is words. Active listening shows respect and openness to understanding their perspective, which can de-escalate tension.
Firstly, let’s elaborate on what active listening is NOT:
Sitting quietly, and formulating your own response
Interrupting to correct your counterpart
Defending yourself when something is said about you
Showing facial expressions in disagreement
Going through the points you want to address in your head while someone is talking
When emotions run high, the last thing we want to be mindful about is listening to someone’s point of view. But it is that mindful piece that allows for true resolution in whatever conflict. As a professional mentor and coach, it is at times challenging to not to jump in and point out a few things. What helps me a lot is to take notes. This shows that I’m present with my client, maintaining my eye contact but also I care about what is being said and write it down to be able to return to active listening. Amy Gallo shares a few practical tips on how to actively listen. Two main tips are to understand your default listening style and make an active and conscious choice how to best listen.
5. Seek to Understand, Then to Be Understood:
Try to understand the other person’s point of view before trying to get them to understand yours. This approach fosters empathy and often encourages the other person to reciprocate the effort. I always ask myself what it must feel like being in the other person’s shoes. Though I will never know, this will help me to practice understanding and compassion and will help me to soften my approach. Compassion and self-compassion are crucial when it comes to emotional regulation. They awaken our natural state which is always loving and kind.
6. Agree to Disagree if Necessary:
Conflicts are nothing more than two different perspectives or beliefs a person holds on to. If you can practice seeing the other side, you will understand that there is just a difference in opinions, difference in perspectives and it is okay. Sometimes the best solution can be “agree to disagree.” Sometimes, agreeing to disagree can preserve a relationship and reduce emotional stress. Your counterpart may try to prove their points to you. Seek to understand their point of view without agreeing to it.
For example: You can say something like: “I can see and understand where you are coming from. I see this situation from a different angle. I believe both of our angles are valid and we don’t have to agree with each other. We can respect and accept each other’s opinion without the need to argue.”
7. Reflect Post-Conflict:
After a conflict, take time to reflect on what happened. Consider what you learned about your emotional triggers and think about how you can handle similar situations better in the future. If you’re not satisfied with the way you handled your situation, write down different ways you could have responded or reacted. Being able to reflect offers a tremendous opportunity for growth and learning. Give yourself grace for doing your best and trying to resolve a conflict. Please don’t be hard on yourself when things don’t turn out the way you want them to. I can guarantee you that any dispute is here to teach both counterparts something about themselves. Having the emotional maturity and intelligence to reflect is always helping your personal development.
8. Seek Professional help if Needed:
If conflicts continue to escalate despite your best efforts, consider seeking help from a neutral third party. A trained professional can facilitate more effective communication and help resolve the dispute.
Ultimately, emotional regulation is a lifelong practice that requires patience, self-reflection, and commitment. By cultivating self-awareness, empathy, and assertiveness, we can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth, connection, and understanding. Let us embrace the power of emotional regulation as we navigate the complexities of human relationships, fostering harmony, resilience, and compassion in our interactions with others.
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